wentnuclear | [ reverie inbox ]

[ I'm sorry. words he'd heard so many times before - he's sure raleigh had too. he pulls himself up a little straighter and forces himself to make eye contact, however briefly. ]

Not sure I ever found myself. [ and that's the most honest thing he's said yet here, by far. he clutches the needles a little too hard, biting into his lip as he tries to suss out what he's supposed to do next. ...in the knitting. ] I was in construction for a while too. Well, demo. Nothing but long hours to myself, to remember.

[ and maybe that had driven him the most crazy of all. ]

But I always keep going anyway. I can't seem to stop. [ he's like a shark ]

[ Raleigh can relate to that more than he'd like to, except he'd definitely stopped. For a long time. ]

Demo, huh? I went to work on the wall -- it was designed to keep Kaiju from making land but they smashed right through. We kept building anyway. Had to pretend there was some hope left, I guess, but I knew it was useless. They engineers threw around that it was impenetrable the same way people said the Titanic was unsinkable. It was just something to do.

I always tried to drown it out. Keep out of my head, you know? Always had the tv on, audiobooks and language programs at work, extra shifts and long workouts, just trying to keep distracted. They offered me therapy but nobody understood, so I disappeared instead.

[ He shrugs a little, picking up his second needle and shifting his grip on the first, to know Frank how to actually knit a stitch. ]

[ the wall. just as pointless as his "project" then. ]

Yeah. I read a lot of long, boring books. [ he'd been searching for the equivalent here but he hadn't been lucky enough to find anything worthwhile himself. ] My-uh. My friend runs a group, at the VA. Therapy. I listen in sometimes.

[ he loops a stitch the same way raleigh does, but his is too loose and hangs strangely, so he undoes it with some guidance then tries again and it's a little better. it feels good to do something with his hands again. something productive. ]

[ Raleigh repeats the knit stitch, slow and deliberate so Frank can follow along. Most of this is just repetition. Getting used to the motions until they become second nature, until you don't have to think about it anymore. He reaches out and twirls the yarn around Frank's index finger, showing him how to hold the tension. He'll get the hang of it. ]

Does it help you at all? To sit in like that. My world's got support groups for all kinds of things... vets, addicts, illnesses... but not Jaeger pilots who had their partners die in their head. [ His mouth quirks. ] Being special is overrated. But I've always wondered if it helped.

[ something clicks for him when raleigh does that and he's able to get through a few shaky stitches on his own. ok this isn't so hard. but the question makes him stiffen up, enough of a shift that max cranes his neck around to see what's going on. ]

There's no support group for the American government putting a hit out on your family either.

[ he swallows, scowling down at the needles in his hand even as he numbly goes through another stitch. his head is vibrating with all the things he'd learned over the past several months, and then when he was finally about to try and find some peace... reverie had happened. ]

So yeah, I'd say being special sucks. [ he can't fit in with the other vets. he wasn't one of them as much as he ever thought he was and wanted to be. ] But I was gonna try it for real. What else do I got to lose, right? [ but coming here had thrown a serious wrench into those plans ]

Edited 2018-06-23 12:10 (UTC)

[ Raleigh goes very still as well, listening as Frank answers his actual question but stuck on the first statement. Therapy, worth a shot, right, of course, but-- ]

The government did what?

[ No offense, buddy, but why would the government even care about you? Government hits were for people like foreign terrorist leaders, maybe citizens if they committed really bad treason or something, right? Something seriously extreme, or else they don't even kill crime lords if they can help it. Not that Raleigh would know for certain, he's never been involved in that kind of thing, it just sounds so crazy. Conspiracy theorist level shit. ]

[ yeah, that's about the reaction he expected and he sighs, still staring at the needles working rather than raleigh, max, or anything else in the room. ]

I was part of a secret team. Black Ops. We were called the Cerberus Squad, taking out high level threats in the Middle East for the CIA. At least, that's what we were sold. [ and they were sold a bill of goods all right ] I tried to get out. But I guess they saw me as... a loose end.

[ he says it while closing a loop in the yarn, too. like he'd closed so many loose ends in his life, now taken on a disturbingly literal practice. and yet somehow, it's still comforting. ]

So they took 'em from me, Raleigh. My... my little girl, Lisa. Frank Jr. And my wife, Maria.

[ he swallows, shutting his eyes to keep the tears back ]

They didn't count on one thing, though. That I wouldn't stay down. [ frank's head snaps up suddenly, eyes clear and focused. he points to the side of his head as if he can feel the bullet still squirming around in there. ] I died for 60 seconds in the OR. [ and then he went back to his empty house and died all over again, before burning it and the remnants of everything he was to the ground. his lip twitches, almost a snarl as his eyes too flash dangerously. ]

So what I'm sayin' is yeah, I get not having anyone to relate.

[ It sounds absurd. CIA black ops being hunted by his own government, like one of those hyper violent action thrillers Raleigh hates and wouldn't watch in the first place. But worse. Because they weren't just hunting some badass secret agent who'd eventually win the day... they'd murdered his wife and kids? His wife and kids. Raleigh doesn't bother trying to hide how horrified he is.

Like. Frank wins the nonexistent trauma contest. That's worse. That's so much worse, for so many reasons. First, because they were innocent bystanders. Raleigh can't imagine a situation in which it would've been necessary to kill the children too. And then just considering the cruelty of it. An act intended to cause as much pain as possible, because humans can be monsters, too. It's easy for him to forget, or want to forget, when he's surrounded by like minds trying to save humanity from rampaging aliens, but.... Raleigh does sort of hate people and the things they do more often than not.

He's quiet just a little too long already when he realizes there just isn't anything to say. He's not gonna apologize again, that's not enough. Instead, he sets down his knitting for a moment. Hesitates, trying to size Frank up. Then decides he doesn't really care if he gets punched in the face again, he's leaning forward over Max and pulling Frank into a slightly awkward hug. Just because of the angle and his uncertainty how this'll be received -- he gives excellent hugs normally, okay? ]

[ it sounds absurd because it is absurd, but that's the reality he's dealing in, raleigh. he can't watch the other man's sympathy, eyes drawn immediately back down to his hands. but that's when the other man pitches forward to embrace him. it startles him, though he doesn't jerk away, remaining stock still even as max squirms away from them with a distressed little whine in protest. HOW DARE ]

Uh. [ he utters lamely, but then he's dropping his own knitting to the bed and letting his head fall heavily to the cap of the man's shoulder. it eases some of the pressure in his chest, breaking up all the ugliness converging there; and he's able to let out a soft sob of pure despair. frank hadn't allowed himself to truly grieve, he couldn't while the men responsible were still out there. it takes a moment, but then his fingers are curling in the fabric of raleigh's jumpsuit as he scoots closer to the man and his heat in desperation. tears are soaking through his sleeve in no time at all, frank's shoulder's jumping as silent cries rack his whole body back to front. ]

I shoulda... I should've saved 'em. Shoulda never been in danger at all. May as well pulled the trigger myself. [ he babbles incoherently against the other man's throat, eyes squeezed tightly shut as raleigh holds him. ]

[ Oh boy. At the first sob Raleigh realizes that this... has escalated a bit more than he was anticipating, honestly, but he's got it. He's not much of a crier himself, it just makes him feel kind of stuffy and sick so he nips it at the first prick of tears, but he won't begrudge someone who is comfortable enough to do so. Who might get some kind of release from it. Max moves out of the way and Frank scoots close enough that the hug becomes more natural, that Raleigh can just focus on holding him steady.

...that's a serious load of bullshit, though. Grief and guilt tangled together making the other man blame himself for the actions of murderers, which Raleigh sort of gets but is just objectively wrong. He wonders, quietly, if this is how Mako feels when he says he was responsible for Yancy's death. That kneejerk instinct to deny the possibility, except he's used to being on the other side of things where it feels like reality. So he doesn't try to argue it, just rubs Frank's back a little and lets him get it all out. ]

[ the tears start out strong, but he's deflating fast for the shelter raleigh's arms provide him. it's easy to just stay, suspended there, leeching what comfort he can from the other man's warmth. a man who'd been through almost exactly what he had. he appreciates that raleigh doesn't argue with him, even if it leaves him with an empty spot in the pit of his belly, perhaps somewhere an empty assurance would have gone. he prefers the silence, or even david agreeing with him - that he had killed them - only to take it back with an apology moments later. ]

I was... I was on my way to the VA when I came here. [ it's ridiculous. his first real therapy session and it had been usurped by a space kidnapping. a wet sob morphs into an unsteady laugh as he slowly pulls back, wiping his face on his jumpsuit sleeve and patting raleigh's arm with the other hand in gratitude. ]

[ They can stay like this as long as Frank is comfortable -- for all his fight and swagger, Raleigh isn't actually very macho. Not anymore. Now he's the kind of guy that'll go right up and hug an old friend and let it linger in front of everyone, that'll admit his faults in advance of anyone calling him on them. There's really only one thing he keeps locked down at this point. ]

This place has shitty timing. [ But then Frank's pulling out of his arms and wiping his face, and Raleigh's not sure how to handle the moment anymore. He lets his hands sink back to his lap, a tiny worried frown on his face. ] Look, man, I'm not a therapist or anything -- and our nonexistent support group needs don't exactly match up here, but. If you ever just wanna talk about them, what you've lost and how to keep going... I've been there, you know? Still working on it, so maybe we could together.

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